Back to School

I gave great thought to my earlier post.

I think...I think...I think I know nothing about nutrition. I hate saying that after all the diet/self-help books I've read when it comes to eating...

I did some research. I looked into what other people are doing.

I found Spark People. Have you heard about it?

I've been playing around with it all afternoon. I like it. I like it a lot. Today, I entered in all of my food consumption and was surprised by the quick access to information. I need that information.

Because Spark People also has a blog section, I'm going to devote my time there (unfortunately, I don't have enough time to maintain this blog and my Spark People account) - at least until I have a firm grip on what I'm stuffing in the piehole.

So, I'm taking a blog break (LOL - after less than two weeks) to go back to school and get an education.

Please visit me there. I need all the support I can get. I don't know how to give a link, but my Spark People name is "MindfulEating1."

Know a Good Program?

I wanted to take a look at the nutritional values of my 'fresh from the garden' homemade meal. I have a tendency to 'think' I know about calories and fat, but in reality, I think I know very little.

I actually made a double batch of my pasta sauce... But, most of it is destined for the freezer. My chicken meatballs yielded 60 (weight of chicken was determined by total weight less weight of bowl).

Chicken Meatballs
			Calories	Fat	Chol	Carbs	Fiber	Protein
Ground chicken	1.89	pound	1204	69 g	440 mg	0	0	138 g
Romano Cheese	1/2	cup	220	16 g	58 mg	3 g	0	18 g
Breadcrumbs	1/4	cup	200	10 g	30 mg	16 g	0	12 g
Dried onions	2	tbsp	32	1 g	0	8 g	1 g	1 g
			1656	96 g	0	0	0	0
	Yield 60		44	1.5 g	9 mg	.5 g	0 g	3 g
Pasta Sauce
Tomatoes	6	pounds	462	3 g	0	102	24 g	23 g
Onion	1/2	medium	67	1 g	0	16 g	2 g	2 g
			529	4	0	118	26	25
	Yield 6 cups		88	0.6	0	20 g	4 g	4 g
Pasta	1	serving	180	1 g	0	36 g	4 g	7 g
Totals			312	3.1 g	9 mg	56.5 g	8 g	14 g

I had to look up all the nutritional information and do you know what?

It was time consuming...

And, not fun...

And, it involved math.

I am not a friend to math.

Plus, you can probably guess what the end result was - I was totally surprised by all the values. Apparently, I know very little about nutritional information.

I think I need a program where I can enter what I eat and then the program does all the work. I need to educate myself.

Know any good programs?

I'm going to go read some other blogs and see what everyone is using.

Gardening - It Does a Body Good

I knew what I had to do this morning to help myself get back on track - GARDEN! My garden, aka The Wild Wild West, is my biggest de-stresser. Without fail, every time I trim roses, pick fresh organic veggies, and find worms to feed to my girls (chickens) I feel better. Refreshed. Gardening is able to 'wash away' a lot of my stress, anxiety, worries, etc.

I haven't been able to garden much in the last week due to triple digit temps. This morning, I took full advantage of a break in weather and headed straight out.

We are currently redoing the small Potager behind our back porch. After the brick work is done, I will plant lots of herbs for cooking.

I never really saw gardening as an 'activity.' I don't know why. Maybe because I find it so pleasurable. You can imagine my surprise when once finished, my pedometer was over 4,000 steps. Can that be?

Apparently, gardening does a body good.

Both my husband and I enjoy gardening... I think we need to do it more. We have a system where I do all the planting, pruning, and watering and he does all the harvesting. He does the harvesting because a) I'm allergic to the leaves of the tomato plant (we have over 200 tomato plants this year) and b) I'm freaked out by bugs crawling on me (I've been known to cry like a baby if a lizard happens to wander by).

Daily, I find lots of fresh veggies on my counter. Today's pick included zucchini, peaches, nectarines, cucumbers, green peppers, and many different kinds of tomatoes.

I cook down our tomatoes (the ones that aren't eaten in a salad) with some garlic and onion into a thick tomato sauce. Remember last week when I had marina on pasta twice? Yeah...this is where I get my marina from - from the garden. Generally, I save enough to eat for a couple of meals and then freeze the rest (it freezes well and we eat it frozen during the winter months). I like cooking it from scratch because I don't add a ton of salt and I make it without any fat (oil). Believe it or not, it's pretty low in calories and quite healthy.

Tonight, as a pasta alternative, I am trying a new noodle I ordered : brown rice noodles. Should be interesting. I may make some chicken meatballs, too.

Speaking of interesting... I ordered a jar of this - PB2. I read about it on the "Runs for Cookies" blog (www.runsforcookies.com). I love her blog - I find it so motivating and 'real.' I have no idea what to do with this stuff.

In case you were wondering why a second post today, I'll fill you in:

#1: I am stalling. I really need to put on my tennies and get my rear on the treadmill.

#2: I still really want to eat crack-crackers and am trying to divert my thinking into good healthy food (like homemade marina over some potentially freakish noodles).

Okay. Okay.

I'm going to have some intimate time with my treadmill now.

I Said, "Screw It!"

Well...Crap.

When I started this journey (double-crap...was that just barely two weeks ago?), I really wanted to be thorough (honest!) with my obstacles, thoughts, crash-n-burns, etc. I wanted to be able to reflect and learn from this journey.

That is, until I got tired.

Reflection...effort...mindfulness - you know, it all takes energy! My energy went down the drain on Thursday.

Wednesday weigh-in was great. My weight? 297. I was pleased with the three pound loss as I was having my cycle and for me, that means lots of water retention... I was jazzed. I was motivated.

Then came Thursday and Friday. Two days that were so cram-packed that I literally said, "Screw it!" I didn't care. I didn't want to blog. I didn't want to wear my pedometer. I told myself I don't have time for any of the aforementioned and I threw in the towel.

I threw in the towel. I gave up. Day 8.

Funny. Once you decide to throw in the towel, you give yourself all sorts of freedom. Freedom that came (for me) in the form of one slice of cheesecake, two bowls of my crack-crackers (Keeblers Flips), a peanute butter cup, two junk granola bars, a bowl of Pops, bread at two meals, and two pop tarts. Did you really want to know all of that? I felt the need to write it out.

I'm struggling. I want a bowl of crack-crackers.

Today I picked up the pieces, tucked my fat rolls into my big girl panties, and told myself to snap out of it.

My pedometer went back on. I hit the gardens early. I ate yogurt for breakfast (instead of the trough of Pops I had yesterday)... And, I'm back on this blog writing about what happened.

I need some major coping skills when it comes to being overbooked (tired, run down, no time to go pee) and handling food.

Today will be a test as I come off my 'overeating high.' My body is craving all the foods that it took me an entire week to work out of my system.

[Side note: I used the word 'fat.' Did you catch that? I just caught it while rereading this entry. That tells you how pissed off I am at myself. WOW. I dislike the word fat - a lot.]

I Lost 100 Pounds...Seems Like A Lifetime Ago

What seems like a lifetime go, I lost 100 pounds. I went from 330 pounds to 230 pounds. I did it in about nine months. My motivation? ME! I was a single-working-parent (of one adorably cute toddler). There was no man-motivation. I lost weight because it felt like the right time to do so. Plus, I had the opportunity. I had an amazing shared custody arrangement with my ex-husband (and thankfully, after the divorce we became very close and worked well together raising our child) that provided lots of 'me time.' The more I focused on myself (improvement, soul searching - hard work stuff), the more I realized that I liked clean eating and sports.

I became a vegetarian and I also became an avid bicyclist. The weight flew off me with seemingly little effort. I was about 25 years old.

Today, these jeans (jeans I wore during that weight loss period: see picture) motivated me. Not to lose 100 pounds, but to regain that sense of self that I had so long go.

I recognize that at the age of 43, this 'me' I'm looking for will be nothing like the 25 year old I used to be. I don't want that - either. But certain qualities... yep, I'd like to find them. Like...

***outgoing
***spontaneous

I don't know when I had a shift in my personality, but at some point during 25 and 43 years old, keeping a clean house became more important than having a picnic on a beach. I don't know why as that truth remains hidden from my conscience. Did I get lazy? Can't be because cleaning house is more work than picnicking. Did I stop desiring to be social? Hmmm... I think I'm getting warmer. Why? I don't like to say "I don't know" (because I don't believe in them)... I'm going to say that I feel ashamed. I am ashamed that my eating took over my life. That shame makes me want to hide. Even if that means hiding from life.

I'm going to talk more about that shame and how it is bullshit. But, I think this post is lengthy enough, right?

 I do want to take a minute to introduce you to these tortillas. Have you seen them at Costco? Whole wheat, 80 calories, and 12 grams of fiber.

I watch my fiber intake. Fiber takes on a new role when you have hypothyroidism. It's a balancing act. My hypothyroidism causes high levels of cholesterol (it's a chemical thing). Fiber is a perfect aid for high cholesterol. But, I'm very careful about my consumption because fiber can also interrupt the absorption of my thyroid medication... See, I told you it is a balancing act. Of course, all of this has been discussed and planned with my doctor.

Next time you are in Costco, check out these delicious tortillas.

This is my favorite lunch to have using these tortillas: a grilled wrap made with ground chicken breast, a bit of cheese, and some sliced onions. It's very satisfying.

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I'm excited. I'm already proud of this past week - not because I did or didn't lose weight, but because I feel much more in control of myself. There is a spring in my step.

Expectations

I was a college drop-out. True story. I went to college straight from high school. I didn't want to go, but my boyfriend went - so you know, I followed. I did okay my first year, but my second year was horrific. I was on academic probation.


Then, I dropped out.


I married said boyfriend.

He used to tell me - all the time - I can never finish anything I start. He wasn't lying but the reminder wasn't nice. Mainly, he was speaking about my diet. He was athletic (a collegian runner), I wasn't. I weighed 275 pounds on our wedding day.


While walking down a street, hand-in-hand, on our honeymoon, in beautiful Hawaii, I told him my dream of becoming a lawyer. He told me I wasn't smart enough to be a lawyer. Just to be sure I got the message, he also reminded me that I was a college drop-out. He laughed. Inside, I cried.

One year later, I left him. Sadly, my marriage ended in divorce; but this end was imperative to my beginning. I weighed 330 pounds.


Expectations. Funny how we are hyper-aware of others expectations and often remain unaware of our own. Truth be told, I happen to believe it is our own expectations that 'drive the car' - so to speak.


I have high expectations for myself. They are able to crash-and-burn me like nothing else. I spoke a couple of days ago about how I tend to be all or nothing. Today, I bumped into a huge expectation I place over myself...exercise.


Man, it was a busy day. Between people coming and going on the farm, backed up farm chores, and family busy-ness, I didn't eat breakfast until noon. I ate lunch at 3:30pm. By 5pm, I hadn't worked out.

I have the expectation to work out during the week days. I give myself the option on the weekends. I believe that to be a healthy expectation.

I was going to skip exercising today. I told myself, "You have to clean the chicken coop. You have to water the gardens. You have to...you have to...you have to..." That's when a surprise expectation surfaced. I added..."You have to work out for, at least, 20 minutes. You don't have 20 minutes. Skip it!"


Who said I had to work out 20 minutes? Where did that come from? I don't know where that came from. I knew I had to change that thought right away. I took off my chore boots and immediately put on my running shoes.


I had something to prove.


I was going to work out. I was going to make my girls (chickens) be a bit more patient and my garden get a bit more wilted. I don't want a work-out time expectation. Hell to the no. Yet, it was there. Ready to break me down. Any day I work out is a good day and a step forward.

I worked out for six minutes. Six minutes. It won't sound like much too many. But, it is HUGE to me. I threw out an expectation. I told myself any workout is better than no work out. I told myself I was proud of me for fighting every urge to skip time on my treadmill. I told myself a lot - all as I worked out. Positive reinforcement. Sometimes, positive reinforcement, given to yourself, is the most rewarding.

Two weeks ago, I started my doctorate program. 


This achievement has a lot to do with my husband of thirteen years; the man who has treated me with more kindness I ever believed I deserved; the man who told me I can achieve great things. The man who married me when I weighed 280 pounds and has watched my weigh go up and down every year since our marriage. He is my best cheerleader. My teammate. My soulmate. No matter my weight, he can always find something sexy about me.

I need to question my own expectations of myself. I don't want to sabotage my journey of discovery with unrealistic or negative expectations.


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I won't journal my food today as it was pretty simple and boring. I will journal my exercise because it is so significant - a barrier broken. A false expectation confronted and expelled.


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Exercise: .30 miles on the treadmill
Steps forward taken: 6273


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A Good Sunday

It was a pretty great Sunday.

I figured out what to do with all the garden tomatillos - I made chicken Verde enchiladas. They were very good and I was pleased that I ate a small serving and didn't desire more. I usually find it easy to overeat Mexican food. 
 
I didn't exercise today; I don't exercise on Sundays. Generally, my Saturday/Sundays are all over the place. Hubby likes to spend our weekends together and I happen to agree it is important couple/family time. Because exercising is new to me, I tend to overthink the entire process - my brain won't relax until after get in my exercise time. So, instead of worrying about the issue (exercising) on Sundays, I plan on just focusing on my hubby and kid.

It's all about balance.
 
Sometimes, I'm not great at finding balance in life. I tend to completely withdraw or completely throw myself in. Just like I am mindful of my eating, I want to be mindful of my exercising. There is a happy medium in all of this - I just have to find what works for me and my family (because they are sharing this journey with me).

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Today, I ate:

Breakfast: yogurt and honey
Snack: Taste tested a new granola
Lunch: cottage cheese (kept it light due to heavier dinner)
Dinner: Chicken Verde enchilada, a dollop of full-fat sour cream, a small salad (lettuce, cucumber, lemon juice and olive oil).
Snack: 2 small peaches with peanut butter granola

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Treadmill: 0 miles
Steps taken: 5302 (I forgot to wear my pedometer - didn't put it on until 1pm this afternoon)

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Peanut Butter Granola
2 tbsp peanut butter
2 tbsp honey
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 cup of oatmeal

Melt peanut butter and honey in microwave for just a few seconds (until you can blend them together). Add vanilla, cinnamon, and oatmeal. Place on cookie sheet (covered w/parchment paper or cooking spray) and bake @325, for about 8 minutes until browned. 


Thanks to Pinterest for the recipe.


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