Expectations

I was a college drop-out. True story. I went to college straight from high school. I didn't want to go, but my boyfriend went - so you know, I followed. I did okay my first year, but my second year was horrific. I was on academic probation.


Then, I dropped out.


I married said boyfriend.

He used to tell me - all the time - I can never finish anything I start. He wasn't lying but the reminder wasn't nice. Mainly, he was speaking about my diet. He was athletic (a collegian runner), I wasn't. I weighed 275 pounds on our wedding day.


While walking down a street, hand-in-hand, on our honeymoon, in beautiful Hawaii, I told him my dream of becoming a lawyer. He told me I wasn't smart enough to be a lawyer. Just to be sure I got the message, he also reminded me that I was a college drop-out. He laughed. Inside, I cried.

One year later, I left him. Sadly, my marriage ended in divorce; but this end was imperative to my beginning. I weighed 330 pounds.


Expectations. Funny how we are hyper-aware of others expectations and often remain unaware of our own. Truth be told, I happen to believe it is our own expectations that 'drive the car' - so to speak.


I have high expectations for myself. They are able to crash-and-burn me like nothing else. I spoke a couple of days ago about how I tend to be all or nothing. Today, I bumped into a huge expectation I place over myself...exercise.


Man, it was a busy day. Between people coming and going on the farm, backed up farm chores, and family busy-ness, I didn't eat breakfast until noon. I ate lunch at 3:30pm. By 5pm, I hadn't worked out.

I have the expectation to work out during the week days. I give myself the option on the weekends. I believe that to be a healthy expectation.

I was going to skip exercising today. I told myself, "You have to clean the chicken coop. You have to water the gardens. You have to...you have to...you have to..." That's when a surprise expectation surfaced. I added..."You have to work out for, at least, 20 minutes. You don't have 20 minutes. Skip it!"


Who said I had to work out 20 minutes? Where did that come from? I don't know where that came from. I knew I had to change that thought right away. I took off my chore boots and immediately put on my running shoes.


I had something to prove.


I was going to work out. I was going to make my girls (chickens) be a bit more patient and my garden get a bit more wilted. I don't want a work-out time expectation. Hell to the no. Yet, it was there. Ready to break me down. Any day I work out is a good day and a step forward.

I worked out for six minutes. Six minutes. It won't sound like much too many. But, it is HUGE to me. I threw out an expectation. I told myself any workout is better than no work out. I told myself I was proud of me for fighting every urge to skip time on my treadmill. I told myself a lot - all as I worked out. Positive reinforcement. Sometimes, positive reinforcement, given to yourself, is the most rewarding.

Two weeks ago, I started my doctorate program. 


This achievement has a lot to do with my husband of thirteen years; the man who has treated me with more kindness I ever believed I deserved; the man who told me I can achieve great things. The man who married me when I weighed 280 pounds and has watched my weigh go up and down every year since our marriage. He is my best cheerleader. My teammate. My soulmate. No matter my weight, he can always find something sexy about me.

I need to question my own expectations of myself. I don't want to sabotage my journey of discovery with unrealistic or negative expectations.


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I won't journal my food today as it was pretty simple and boring. I will journal my exercise because it is so significant - a barrier broken. A false expectation confronted and expelled.


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Exercise: .30 miles on the treadmill
Steps forward taken: 6273


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