I Lost 100 Pounds...Seems Like A Lifetime Ago

What seems like a lifetime go, I lost 100 pounds. I went from 330 pounds to 230 pounds. I did it in about nine months. My motivation? ME! I was a single-working-parent (of one adorably cute toddler). There was no man-motivation. I lost weight because it felt like the right time to do so. Plus, I had the opportunity. I had an amazing shared custody arrangement with my ex-husband (and thankfully, after the divorce we became very close and worked well together raising our child) that provided lots of 'me time.' The more I focused on myself (improvement, soul searching - hard work stuff), the more I realized that I liked clean eating and sports.

I became a vegetarian and I also became an avid bicyclist. The weight flew off me with seemingly little effort. I was about 25 years old.

Today, these jeans (jeans I wore during that weight loss period: see picture) motivated me. Not to lose 100 pounds, but to regain that sense of self that I had so long go.

I recognize that at the age of 43, this 'me' I'm looking for will be nothing like the 25 year old I used to be. I don't want that - either. But certain qualities... yep, I'd like to find them. Like...

***outgoing
***spontaneous

I don't know when I had a shift in my personality, but at some point during 25 and 43 years old, keeping a clean house became more important than having a picnic on a beach. I don't know why as that truth remains hidden from my conscience. Did I get lazy? Can't be because cleaning house is more work than picnicking. Did I stop desiring to be social? Hmmm... I think I'm getting warmer. Why? I don't like to say "I don't know" (because I don't believe in them)... I'm going to say that I feel ashamed. I am ashamed that my eating took over my life. That shame makes me want to hide. Even if that means hiding from life.

I'm going to talk more about that shame and how it is bullshit. But, I think this post is lengthy enough, right?

 I do want to take a minute to introduce you to these tortillas. Have you seen them at Costco? Whole wheat, 80 calories, and 12 grams of fiber.

I watch my fiber intake. Fiber takes on a new role when you have hypothyroidism. It's a balancing act. My hypothyroidism causes high levels of cholesterol (it's a chemical thing). Fiber is a perfect aid for high cholesterol. But, I'm very careful about my consumption because fiber can also interrupt the absorption of my thyroid medication... See, I told you it is a balancing act. Of course, all of this has been discussed and planned with my doctor.

Next time you are in Costco, check out these delicious tortillas.

This is my favorite lunch to have using these tortillas: a grilled wrap made with ground chicken breast, a bit of cheese, and some sliced onions. It's very satisfying.

Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I'm excited. I'm already proud of this past week - not because I did or didn't lose weight, but because I feel much more in control of myself. There is a spring in my step.

Expectations

I was a college drop-out. True story. I went to college straight from high school. I didn't want to go, but my boyfriend went - so you know, I followed. I did okay my first year, but my second year was horrific. I was on academic probation.


Then, I dropped out.


I married said boyfriend.

He used to tell me - all the time - I can never finish anything I start. He wasn't lying but the reminder wasn't nice. Mainly, he was speaking about my diet. He was athletic (a collegian runner), I wasn't. I weighed 275 pounds on our wedding day.


While walking down a street, hand-in-hand, on our honeymoon, in beautiful Hawaii, I told him my dream of becoming a lawyer. He told me I wasn't smart enough to be a lawyer. Just to be sure I got the message, he also reminded me that I was a college drop-out. He laughed. Inside, I cried.

One year later, I left him. Sadly, my marriage ended in divorce; but this end was imperative to my beginning. I weighed 330 pounds.


Expectations. Funny how we are hyper-aware of others expectations and often remain unaware of our own. Truth be told, I happen to believe it is our own expectations that 'drive the car' - so to speak.


I have high expectations for myself. They are able to crash-and-burn me like nothing else. I spoke a couple of days ago about how I tend to be all or nothing. Today, I bumped into a huge expectation I place over myself...exercise.


Man, it was a busy day. Between people coming and going on the farm, backed up farm chores, and family busy-ness, I didn't eat breakfast until noon. I ate lunch at 3:30pm. By 5pm, I hadn't worked out.

I have the expectation to work out during the week days. I give myself the option on the weekends. I believe that to be a healthy expectation.

I was going to skip exercising today. I told myself, "You have to clean the chicken coop. You have to water the gardens. You have to...you have to...you have to..." That's when a surprise expectation surfaced. I added..."You have to work out for, at least, 20 minutes. You don't have 20 minutes. Skip it!"


Who said I had to work out 20 minutes? Where did that come from? I don't know where that came from. I knew I had to change that thought right away. I took off my chore boots and immediately put on my running shoes.


I had something to prove.


I was going to work out. I was going to make my girls (chickens) be a bit more patient and my garden get a bit more wilted. I don't want a work-out time expectation. Hell to the no. Yet, it was there. Ready to break me down. Any day I work out is a good day and a step forward.

I worked out for six minutes. Six minutes. It won't sound like much too many. But, it is HUGE to me. I threw out an expectation. I told myself any workout is better than no work out. I told myself I was proud of me for fighting every urge to skip time on my treadmill. I told myself a lot - all as I worked out. Positive reinforcement. Sometimes, positive reinforcement, given to yourself, is the most rewarding.

Two weeks ago, I started my doctorate program. 


This achievement has a lot to do with my husband of thirteen years; the man who has treated me with more kindness I ever believed I deserved; the man who told me I can achieve great things. The man who married me when I weighed 280 pounds and has watched my weigh go up and down every year since our marriage. He is my best cheerleader. My teammate. My soulmate. No matter my weight, he can always find something sexy about me.

I need to question my own expectations of myself. I don't want to sabotage my journey of discovery with unrealistic or negative expectations.


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I won't journal my food today as it was pretty simple and boring. I will journal my exercise because it is so significant - a barrier broken. A false expectation confronted and expelled.


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Exercise: .30 miles on the treadmill
Steps forward taken: 6273


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A Good Sunday

It was a pretty great Sunday.

I figured out what to do with all the garden tomatillos - I made chicken Verde enchiladas. They were very good and I was pleased that I ate a small serving and didn't desire more. I usually find it easy to overeat Mexican food. 
 
I didn't exercise today; I don't exercise on Sundays. Generally, my Saturday/Sundays are all over the place. Hubby likes to spend our weekends together and I happen to agree it is important couple/family time. Because exercising is new to me, I tend to overthink the entire process - my brain won't relax until after get in my exercise time. So, instead of worrying about the issue (exercising) on Sundays, I plan on just focusing on my hubby and kid.

It's all about balance.
 
Sometimes, I'm not great at finding balance in life. I tend to completely withdraw or completely throw myself in. Just like I am mindful of my eating, I want to be mindful of my exercising. There is a happy medium in all of this - I just have to find what works for me and my family (because they are sharing this journey with me).

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Today, I ate:

Breakfast: yogurt and honey
Snack: Taste tested a new granola
Lunch: cottage cheese (kept it light due to heavier dinner)
Dinner: Chicken Verde enchilada, a dollop of full-fat sour cream, a small salad (lettuce, cucumber, lemon juice and olive oil).
Snack: 2 small peaches with peanut butter granola

**********

Treadmill: 0 miles
Steps taken: 5302 (I forgot to wear my pedometer - didn't put it on until 1pm this afternoon)

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Peanut Butter Granola
2 tbsp peanut butter
2 tbsp honey
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 cup of oatmeal

Melt peanut butter and honey in microwave for just a few seconds (until you can blend them together). Add vanilla, cinnamon, and oatmeal. Place on cookie sheet (covered w/parchment paper or cooking spray) and bake @325, for about 8 minutes until browned. 


Thanks to Pinterest for the recipe.


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Why I Dislike the Words "FAT" and "OBESE"

When raising my children (one is already an adult and one is a teen - so they aren't babies any more), I taught them to never say certain words. For example, we never told each other to 'shut up.' 

The word 'fat' was also not used. Once, when my kid was about four, she called the family cat 'fat cat.' I wasn't sitting too far from her, witnessing the interaction. I didn't say anything because after all, it was a cat... However, on her own, she immediately withdrew her 'name calling' and hugged the cat, while apologizing.

I don't like the word 'fat' because it is attached to so many negative stereotypes. Let's think of a few...lazy...smelly...not intelligent...weak personality...less than capable...inferior and recently I heard a new one - easy! All of these are untrue and insulting.

I don't like the word 'obese' because clinically speaking, it is a dead end. You see your doctor, he or she writes 'obese' on your chart and guess what? Suddenly, you receive inferior medical treatment. If you are stressed, anxious, live with certain medical conditions - they all get swept under the rug and attributed to the obesity (which may or may not be the case). I have a friend that lives with anxiety - her doctor advised her to lose weight.

Speaking of doctors, have you ever noticed that many doctors don't know how to 'treat obesity.' True story here. I go for my annual exam. My longtime doctor was out and there was a replacement - a young fresh doctor (which, I'm okay with, by the way, everyone needs to practice their trade and sometimes new doctors are the most attentive and caring). He had an amazing physique and if I'm honest with myself, upon his 'physical presentation,' I immediately felt like 'the naked blob' on the examining table.

Anyway...

During my gyn exam, the doctor notices my inner thighs and announces: "You have some kind of discoloring. It doesn't look right. Are you experiencing problems with feeling in your legs?"

Panic set in.

I can't see my inner thighs (which is a legit problem with being obese). I just knew I had some horrible disease.

He got a mirror. He wanted to show me.

Chafing, my friends. The marks of many years of chafing. Poor guy. He was really embarrassed. Me too.

An obese body chafes. He didn't offer a solution for chafing. Many doctors won't be able to because they haven't experienced it. Would you like to know the very best (in my book) solution to chafing? A&D ointment. Good stuff there. I rub a dab under my breasts (women of all shapes and sizes have problems with chafing or rashes under their breasts), under my belly fat, and sometimes my inner thighs (when I'm wearing a skirt). It solves the problem right away.

*************
Today, I feel much more in control of my eating. Whatever happened yesterday, seems to have disappeared. But, I am going to start on my side bar 'known triggers.' Apparently, being overtired is a huge trigger for overeating. Being aware of triggers helps us avoid them/know how to handle them when they arise.
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I pulled about 10 pounds of tomatillos from the garden today. My mission is to make something for dinner with them. Could be an interesting dinner tonight.
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I'll be back later with my food journal and exercise journal.

It Could Have Been Worse

I wonder how many others in the world are like me. How many others live teetering between a diet (full of rules, no-no's, and restrictions) and overeating (full of indulgence and excess).

Today wasn't great. I felt crappy from the get-go. I knew things were going to get rough and tried as hard as I could to turn around my less-than-positive thoughts. Things just weren't working.

I was tired. Truth be told, I hadn't slept well as I had cramps all night long. I was grouchy. 

After lunch, I took a nap. It helped my desire to eat (and when I say eat - I mean, OVEREAT!) and I did feel less tired.

I don't know why, but I ate more marina and pasta for dinner. That makes three meals - the same thing eaten - over the past 24 hours. What's up with that? I was craving more, even though I had just had a small bowl for lunch... 

Then, I ate two small pieces of bread with it. Very unusual for me.

Then, then... oh yeah, there's a then - then, I ate TWO cups of cheerios. I knew I wanted to snack. I wanted to snack in a big way. I had hoped a bowl of cheerios (no milk) would keep my hands and mouth busy enough to distract myself from what I really wanted (I really wanted chips...). 

Wasn't a great day. But, I made it through without a major food catastrophe. That may be the biggest positive twist I can put on the day - no catastrophes.


I've just squeaked by Day 4.

****************

Breakfast: yogurt and honey


Snack: missed


Lunch: 1/2 cup high fiber pasta with 1/2 cup of homemade marina


Dinner: 1.5 cup high fiber pasta with 1 cup of homemade marina, two pieces of bread w/garlic spread

Snack: 2 cups of cheerios

(Now, that I've written down my day, I can see I shouldn't have skipped my snack, I needed to eat more at lunch, and my dinner servings were way too much.)

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Treadmill: nothing (big frown)

Steps taken: 6564

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I look forward to starting fresh in the morning!

Bound to Happen...

Day 4. It happened.

Ate my normal breakfast. Felt tired.

Drank some water. Felt crabby.

Cramps kicked in. Guess it's about that time of month.

Hungry. Really really hungry. Body feels so dang weak. Manage to hold off eating lunch until it's actually lunch time.

Ate lunch. Small bowl of left-over marina w/high-fiber pasta. Still feel overwhelmingly tired.

Then...it...hit...me.

The sudden urge to stuff my face with something sweet. Not just a-somethin' somethin', but a real big bad somethin'. I wanted cake. I wanted pie. I wanted cookies.

If only I could share the mental battle that took place. Yes. No. Yes. No. Who cares? I care. No one will know. I will know.  

I don't feel hungry. I feel tired. I'm going to see if a short nap will help. 

Is being tired one of my triggers to overeat?

Self-Care Day

Part of my big plan to become a healthier me is making sure I include self-care days (or moments!).

Because I live on a small farm and I spend a lot of time in the garden, I often use this as an excuse to feel less than womanly.

As women, we all have things we do to make us feel sexy, confident - or whatever our own definition of 'woman' is. For me, shaving my legs and pits is a real good start. Next, putting on clothing that doesn't have a rip or a stain. My good bra does wonders, too.

So, yesterday, I got all clean-n-spiffy and took myself out. I only stayed out for a couple of hours (I had a teen at home with her Dad), but it did wonders for my spirit.

My first stop was Starbucks - coffee light frap. My second stop was the spa for threading. Then, I took a leisurely stroll, while drinking my coffee, around the shopping complex. It wasn't much - but it felt good (and, I was getting some exercise!).

No matter our professions, no matter our goals, self-care days (or moments, if like me, you're pressed for time) are essential. I don't plan on leaving them out of my journey.

Yesterday, I Ate

Breakfast: Yogurt and honey

Snack: Frappachino

Lunch: Dried plums, dried apricots, and some Gouda cheese

Dinner: Homemade marina sauce over 1 cup of Trader Joe's high-fiber noodles (with several slices of Parmesan cheese), and salad (lettuce, cucumber, and tomato).

Snack: square of 72% dark chocolate

I'm not eating a 'special diet.' I happen to love whole-foods and I generally serve very healthy meals to my family. My problem is not breakfast, lunch, or dinner (unless I eat fast food). My problem occurs between my meals. It's my 'in-between meals problems' that have caused an unhealthy relationship with food consumption and my obesity.

Day 3 : no 'in-between meals problems' to report.

Exercise

Treadmill: .25 miles (plus outside walking)

Steps taken: 10302

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I can do it.

I am doing it.

I will do it.

Food is a tool to make my body healthy.

Am I Really an Addict?

I consider myself a food addict. I'm not sure why or when this belief began, but yesterday, I made it my mission to find out if my self-diagnosis was accurate.

Enter...WebMD.

I did some research. What is a food addict? Is there a different between a food addict and a compulsive eater? What are the signs? The symptoms?

I evaluated myself on four different levels; behavior, withdrawal, life impact, and emotional aspects. These are my symptoms which matched those listed on WebMD.

Behaviors

*Do I eat more than what I planned?
>>>Yep, 1 Oreo can turn into 10.

*Do I keep eating even when not hungry?
>>If it tastes really good - I sure do!

Withdrawal

Nothing.

Life Impact

Nothing.

Emotions

*Do I experience emotions like guilt, anxiety, depression, or self-loathing when eating foods?
>>When I eat something I consider 'bad for me' or overeat something (i.e. Oreo example), I do feel guilty and ashamed.

According to WebMD, I don't have a lot of signs and symptoms. Which leads me to my next point:

Addictions are experienced on a spectrum.

An individual's perception is their reality.

Thing is, I'm not happy with how food comes in and out of my life. I'm not happy with my obesity.

I may not binge. I may not sneak food. I may not eat until I'm ill. But, I do have a lot of emotions surrounding food...I do lean on food for security and protection...I do tend to think about what I'm going to eat almost the same moment I awake...

My perception is that my behaviors lie somewhere on that spectrum of food addictions. I want to be mindful of my personal experience with food so that I can work on changing behavior (or cognitions) when my symptoms occur.

The Master Salad: lettuce, cheese, cucumber, tomatoes, beans, raisins, carrots, and croutons (that have been put in a plastic baggy and broken down into very small pieces)

Yesterday, I Ate

Breakfast: yogurt and honey (I eat this a lot - I happen to love it)

Lunch: 1/2 whole wheat pita with sliced turkey (ate up the last of the turkey luncheon meat)

Snack: Fiberful bar

Dinner: full plate of Master Salad

Snack: small piece of 72% dark chocolate

Exercise

Treadmill: .62 mile

Steps taken: 9429

Day 3 is underway and while I am still craving certain foods, I feel good.

One more note: yesterday, I almost absent-mindedly ate an oatmeal cookie. Made me wonder how often I eat out of habit.

Wake Up!

This morning - Day 2 - I weighed myself.

I WEIGHED MYSELF!

I was getting dressed. Bra. Underwear. Socks. A body in motion, heading to the guest bedroom, getting on the scale, and weighing myself. No resistance. No thought. Autopilot.

Two days ago, I opened this blog at war - a war between mind and body.

I lied.

Not purposely, of course, but I lied.

There's no war. There's no battle. My f'ing mind is asleep. It offers no resistance to the bad habits...to the sabotage...to the negative.

I know where weighing myself every day will take me. Giving meaning to the scale is a one-way road that dead ends. Sabotage. The first day where the scale says something displeasing is a reason to turn to food.

It took me two whole hours to finally hear my screaming subconscious - you weighed yourself!

I promised myself I would weigh in once a week. Once a week is more than enough. Day 2 is not Day 7.

The scale is a tool.

The hammer that builds a house is a tool. It is the house that has meaning, not the tools that build it.

Hey brain - wake up!

In the meantime, I'm putting up road blocks.

Food Addiction...Talking Myself Out of 10 Oreos

Yesterday, day 1 of my journey, was pretty much consumed with the typical internal dialogue that goes on when I am denying myself anything.

Maybe you know the 'talk'... go ahead and just have a bite...those chips look so good - maybe I'll just have one... I'm really hungry... I feel weak...I don't care anymore - I'll start tomorrow... a little bit of butter when I cook this chicken won't hurt...give up, you'll never be thin.

Day 1...

Is it just me?

Nah. I don't think so. I believe many people with addictions have this internal battle of words. Generally, before I know it, the words of addiction take over and instead of eating just one Oreo I was talking myself into, I end up eating 10 Oreos.

I suspect alcoholics, drug addicts, and food addicts are quite similar in their relationship with their 'drug of choice.' That is, they love it during consumption and hate it afterwards.

I had to think about it. I'm talking considerable thought. This internal dialogue seems to be triggered by 'denial.' Let's put it in terms of body/mind. My body wants to eat a cookie and my mind is telling it 'no.'

Funny thing is... when I wanted that cookie, I wasn't even hungry. So serious. I had just eaten a sandwich for lunch (but you know, my mouth likes something sweet after every meal).

So, I'm back to that body/mind thing. The body's desires seem so much more powerful than the mind's.

Then, I thought about that word and feeling of 'no' or 'denial.' It's pretty negative, isn't it. That goes against my entire objective: stay positive.

I had to reconstruct that thought. This isn't about no's and denials. This is about 'Hell to the yes!'

In my mind, I started passing out the mental cookies...Remember, I spoke about those yesterday. I started to tell myself - eat whatever fuels your body, makes me strong, makes me feel good - this is about feeling good after all (and we all know how I would feel after 10 Oreos). I literally forced out the negative talk and overrode it with positive talk (aka mental cookies).

It.worked.

Yesterday's Food Intake

Breakfast: Fage 0% yogurt drizzled with organic honey (*check out the health benefits of combining these two - you'll be surprised)

Lunch: 1/2 whole wheat pita stuffed with 2 ounces of sliced turkey (I don't eat processed meat much - every couple of months only, due to high nitrates).

Snack: Trader Joe's Fiberful bar

Dinner: (see below picture) 2 ounces of grilled chicken served over 1 cup of cooked quinoa with grilled veggies (red onion and zucchini); side salad (lettuce, cucumber, tomato, with about 4 croutons), and olive oil/lemon juice (I stay away from bottled dressings).

Snack: 2 peaches, small square of 72% dark chocolate

A word about my food. I eat organic whenever possible. I love to garden, and grow my own. Most of my fruits and veggies consumed are from my garden.



Yesterday's Exercise

.51 miles on the treadmill
5900 total steps taken

I made it through day 1.

I did it.

It feels good.

My SideKicks

You know... why is it the minute you start something new, you begin to try to talk yourself out of it (or make excuses for getting out of it)?

I promised myself no more junk food. That's a big promise because I am the Queen of Junk Food. Seriously.

I love processed anything.

I love food - period.

I'm a food addict.

I can't even call myself a recovering food addict - as you know, I didn't recover yet.

I have some pretty specific dietary needs (which don't include Kraft or Little Debbie). I'm hypothyroid. I need fiber.

Fiber isn't fun. Or...wait...that's not positive (did you want to stop me and tell me I'm being negative again?).

Fiber can be fun.

Fiber is fun.

Let me introduce you to Trader Joe's Fiberful bars. Delicious. Like the old-style fruit roll-ups - only better because they contain 6 grams of fiber. Low sugar, 70 calories. Perfect snack.

 If fiber is fun, then surely water is fun.

Water is necessary. Got to flush the toxins. Really. As I'm chugging water and feeling as if it may come out my ears, I give myself mental cookies.

Yep. That's right. A mental cookie. Thoughts like: this water is going to help you glow...this water is going to help your thinning hypothyroid hair grow lustrous... you get it. Give yourself a mental cookie while you drink. Then when everyone asks you about your weight-loss secret you can tell them - cookies!

I crack myself up.

If you're like me - a woman...over 40... then this last sidekick is a must. I get regular bloodwork done (something I highly recommend). I have to due to my hypothyroidism. I like knowing what's going on inside. I'm nosy like that.

My choice of vitamin is the Trader Joe's brand (I do shop at other places, I promise). But, you know... Trader Joe's rocks!

Fiber, water, vitamins... Essential to my personal success.

I can do this.

I will do this.

I am worth the effort.

Let's Go. Let's Just Go!

What does 300 pounds look like?

I want to know. I mean, really know.

I take a picture of myself. I pull up my arm so I can check out the arm flap.

Yep. That's what I thought.

I see fat. A lot of fat. So gross. How did I get here. When did I crossover from pleasantly plump to obese?

Part of my self-cognitive restructuring means I have to teach myself how to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

I take a look at this picture again.

I ask myself to think of something positive.

I see... a woman who has potential and who is capable.

I dislike the idea of 'weighing in.'

Probably too many memories of embarrassing moments like weighing in during gym class (with all your peers watching), or doctor visits when you know the scale will be followed by 'the lecture.' And, it could be more than that...like too many days where the  mood was dictated by what the scale said.

But, weigh in, I must. I need to know where I'm starting. I need a realistic and objective marker.

My scale. It's accurate and measures in ounces.  

I have another way of measuring progress. Time/distance on the treadmill. The scale may not always reflect progress, but this treadmill will - that is, if I'm using it.

Wait a minute.

Did you catch that?

I said...if I use it.

There are no 'ifs' allowed, okay?

Positive thinking.

I am going to use this treadmill.

This will help, too.

An iPod. Music motivates me.

I'll put my current playlist on the side bar.

Keeping myself motivated will be important during this journey.

I can do this.

I am capable.

I am motivated.

I am ready.

It's a huge hell to the yes! Let's go.